We love travelling by air, really we do. Going on holiday to some far away exotic island is like a dream come true. But sitting 12 hours cramped in your seat with a fat lady on your right and a mother with a crying baby on your left brings out the worst in people. The stewardess (who is always wearing too much make-up) brings you a coffee without milk, and a plate of unidentified meat and plastic looking potatoes instead of the vegetarian sandwich you asked for. The next thing you know, the baby burps and your new trousers are covered in baby porridge. People have killed for less.
Since you always end up paying too much for your ticket, you might as well enjoy those 12 hours in the sky. Sex, drugs and rock-and-roll, or how to have fun in an airplane! The best way to start is with a nice, long bath. Jin Sjeng, a Chinese man flying for the first time, thought the same. When the other passengers complained about the long waiting time for the toilet, the crew opened the bathroom door and saw a half naked guy taking a sponge bath. “He asked me if I had some shampoo for him,” said one stewardess. Now you are clean, find a nice looking boy or girl to become a member of the ‘Mile High Club’ (only for those who have had sex in the bathroom of an airplane), or try to flush an entire role of toilet paper. Careful, always read the warning above the toilet: ‘Do not flush while seated’. Now why would that be? According to rumours, it is actually possible to get stuck on an airplane toilet, because of the suction. Try it out, preferable with any other passenger. What ever you do, don’t do drugs. That is so last season. Pete Doherty almost overdosed himself on a British Airlines flight this summer. Not a pretty sight.
Don’t joke about bombs or explosives on airplanes. And please, don’t drop your iPod in the toilet. This happened to a passenger on a flight to Ontario, he told the steward and next thing the plane made an emergency landing because they found a ‘suspicious device’ in the lavatory. In Canada, the guy was questioned by the police for hours. And I suspect they didn’t give him back his iPod in the end… If you’re pregnant, liven things up a bit by giving birth on the plane! Air Asia gave a baby who was born on board free flights for life. But be careful, if your baby is born in-flight, according to the United Nations it has a right to the nationality of the airplane’s registered country. So think twice before you state that Australia Airlines is too expensive and you book a ticket with Air Zulu. And then there are the wacky parents who name their child after an airline… Somewhere in this world are kids that are called Lufthansa, Delta, Boeing, Malev (Hungarian Arlines) and Pam Ana (after Pan America).
If you truly hate flying, start with a short distance flight, to Spain for example. Trick you neighbour into thinking you are a television star, start praying (very loud) not to crash or seduce the stewardess to get extra coke and peanuts. Rent the best Barcelona apartments, it will be a holiday (and for sure a flight) to remember.